My heart will break...

There's a jukebox in my ear
Playing so loud I can hardly hear
It's tellin' a story about a boy like you
And each selection that I make
Tells me how my heart will break
For falling in love with a boy like you.
-- Boy Like You
Loretta Lynn

 

Do you ever make a decision that you know you will regret later, but if you don't make that decision you will regret never knowing for the rest of your life. 

Maybe it has to do with the idea of loving and loosing. That idea that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. You enter into something knowing that it could very well self destruct, but you do it anyway because it is better to have tried than not. 

Or maybe it has more to do with inflicting pain upon yourself. If you never try something then you will never get hurt. But if you try and fail, you cause yourself pain (but you learn). 

So if you enter into something knowing that you will most likely fail, is that a bad thing, or does it show that you are willing to try.

Because I met someone. 

Someone who is perfectly imperfect. 

Someone with flaws and goals and passion. 

Someone that I could love. 

And I know that he will most likely move away in a few months. The thought scares me so I push it away to just enjoy the moment. But I know that he will move away and my heart will be broken. It doesn't matter how many times I remind myself that I cannot fall for him. I do. I do it anyway. 

So I enjoy the moment because he is already the song in my head that I can't ignore. The lyrics that I can't get out of my head. So I listen to him again and again and fall deeper and deeper into the abyss.

The fire sign

I was born April 1st which makes me an Aries. While this does mean that I am enthusiastic about new projects... I rarely finish one... because I am already onto the next project. I will be excited about starting a new project and eventually it fizzles out and I start a new project that I am just as excited about. It's next to impossible for me to finish the projects that I start unless there is some end goal (money, competition, etc.). Even if I really, really, really want the end goal, sometimes I still don't finish the project.
But for some reason, when it comes to work or school I will finish the project. Maybe it is the competitive atmosphere or the fact that I will fail if I don't finish it... but I know that I have to do it.. so I do.
There are a lot of great things that come with being an Aries. I am very blunt. Which means that people know that they can come to me for my honest opinions. I have gotten in trouble for this trait in the past- so I have learned to tone it down. But when it comes to my own opinion, I will be honest.
The strange thing is, I don't really believe in horoscopes, I have just found that there are many things about my personality that seem to line up with Aries.
Perhaps the fact that I am an Aries is why I fall in love so fast. I jump in and think about it later. I just jump in head first and don't even think about it until things start to go wrong. I ignore warning signs because the relationship is fresh and fun and exciting. I lead the way and see if others are following. I hate waiting around for everyone to catch up. I guess it's the fire in me.

Enjoyment.

I realized the other night that I really enjoy my life. For a long time, I think I was stuck in a holding stage. I got into a bad relationship and after that I am not sure if I was afraid of men, of myself, or of falling in love. But I was afraid. It took me a year, a relationship that was all wrong for me, and telling someone that I still loved them for me to realize what I was doing to myself. I realized that I would sabatoge any relationship that I would ever have if I didn't take a little time for me to get over every bad and good relationship in my life. And it is kinda funny. It took a relationship that I never should have gotten myself into in the first place for me to realize that I could trust other people, that I should trust myself and that falling in love was a lot less scary than never falling in love again.
So now, I am at peace with myself. I can honestly say that I will try my hardest to trust myself above everyone else. I will trust my first instinct instead of ignoring it complete as I have done in the past. Every time I did, it led me into trouble. And now I've met someone and my gut is telling me to go for it. So I guess I should. I should jump into the romantic waters and see just how far the river will take me. I just hope that they will lead me to warm waters, I don't know how much more heartbreak I can stand.
Enjoying life seems to be about trusting your instincts. They might lead you wrong, but at least you know that at one point it was everything that you wanted. And if it is what you want, it might just lead you down the road of happiness.

College Fees are sky high

Last week, the CSU board of trustees committee on finance approved a two-step tuition increase that will total 15%! Student fees will be 242% higher than they were in 2002. 242% is a pretty big number. In the four years that I have been in school tuition has doubled. I know that the schools have suffered cuts to funding from the state, but the students are suffering as well. There are a lot of students who work full time and they still go to school full time. When you average in all the time in class and doing homework, that is like working two full time jobs. And yet this hard working students are struggling to make ends meet. The fee increases have put an enormous strain on them. And they are the future. It seems like we have to give up so much just to get an education. I'm just glad that I am almost done with school so that I don't have to deal with another fee increase.

When I grow up...

I am a soon to be college grad. The proof is in the pudding (I filled my grad check today). As of today, I still don't know "what I want to be when I grow up."
When I was younger, I had a hundred different answers to that age old question. One day I wanted to be an author. The next a fashion designer or a magazine publisher or a bookstore owner.
I guess I have always seen my life as something with infinite possibilities.  I truly believe that I can do anything that I want (within reason).
Because there are so many different jobs and places where I could end up, I don't really know what I want to do. 
This is what I do know. I know that I need a job where I can be creative and utilize my organizational skills. I know that I don't want to work in a boring office job as a receptionist. I know that I enjoy learning, so I love any job that is constantly teaching me new things. I know that one day I will figure it all out. It won't be today. It won't be tomorrow. It probably won't even be this year. However, one day, I will know.

"Don't wait for old age to wear purple" and other life lessons

Years ago, I received an email filled with "life lessons." There were a few that kinda just stuck with me and now that I am a few years older, there are even more that I can relate to. More that I understand. But the piece of advice that means the most to me is "Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'" It makes everything seem less dire. If it won't matter in five years... don't worry about.

It seems we could all do with a little sage advice. So here is my advice to you, dear reader. Read this list and live by it. Take it and make it your own! If you have your own advice too, please share.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Personal Bucket List

Everyone seems to have an idea of something that they want to do before they die--the dream that they've always had in the back of their minds. My dreams tend to change.. but there are a few constants in my life. My dream.. is to live my life. Not to watch it, but to be IT! Live every moment. So perhaps this means less hours spent watching TV because TV doesn't make you happy (although it is very relaxing after a full day of work).

So here is my bucket list. My list of everything I want to do before I die. Some things I have already done... but want to make sure I do at least one more time before I die. Maybe I will die young, like my brother, and never get to do ten of the things on my list... but at least I tried.

What would you do if you never had to work again?

What would you do if you never had to work again? That is what we talked about at work today. Most of the serious conversations that I have had about my future, are at work.

It took me a minute, but I decided that I would travel for a few years and take photos. And then take some classes and learn everything I can. One of the other girls wanted to write.

We should be doing everything we can to make that come true. Not the idea of never having to work again, but the "job" we would have if we didn't have to rely on money. Our quote --dream job.

Right now I'm not sure if I am heading in the right direction, but I do know that I am heading somewhere fast. And right here, right now I'm OK with that - so long as I am happy.

Then maybe we should all start reading this book: The Success Principles(TM): How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be Maybe it will jump start us all. I think I might pick myself up a copy and see just what I should be doing to become that photojournalist inside of me that just wants to tear out and break free.